After the Compassion, the Crutches
As you know, mostly because I blogged about it in January, my four and a half year relationship had ended. It was both a significant and difficult time for me in which opening myslef completely to the experience helped me get through it. At the same time, I was compasionate with myself, giving my heart whatever it felt it needed. This included surrounding myself with good friends who gave off equally good vibes, watching tv shows and movies that warmed my heart (I’m a sucker for romantic-comedies), listening to feel-good music, and having the occasional drink or (organic dark) chocolate bar.
It’s hard to say when exactly, but at a certain point these treats stopped being compassionate and started being crutches, or distractions. Suddenly, the occasional drink became regular few-times-a-week drinks and I was unable to be without music, a movie, or the tv playing in the background. Any remaining pockets of loneliness were filled with friends and staying out so late that I’d come home just to sleep. Before I knew it, I was caught in a whirlwind of distractions that lasted months and I either didn’t know how, or was too afraid, to break free.
Lost, suffering, and mentally exhausted from all the distractions, I silently cursed myself for being so self-aware and longed for the days of “Ignorance is bliss.” That’s when I placed a call to good friend and amazing meditation teacher Pascal Auclair. I explained to him all my suffering and expressed disappointment in myself for being where I was in my grieving process after so many months. I told him that instead of facing my fears, I distracted myself from them and they could no longer be ignored or avoided.
Pascal helped normalize my experience for me and the one thing I appreciate most that he told me was that I took care of myself as needed in the past and now that I’m emotionally stronger, a new layer of the grieving process is presenting itself.
As with all the hardships, I was once again advised to be compassionate with myself. I was concerned, though, with still holding on strongly to my distractions. That’s when Pascal pointed out that distractions are ok, as long as you’re aware that you’re distracting yourself and avoiding something. He also encouraged me, depsite my resistance, to explore my fear, especially since most emotions last only about 90 seconds (yet we do all we can to avoid even that 90 seconds of unpleasantness). After applying his advice and being compassionate once again, I’m happy to say that things do seem a lot less scary. It is still a work in progress, and thanks to the teaching of impermanence, I’m ok knowing that there may still be downs to come.
As with most things I practice in any given moment, I have become acutely aware how we all have coping mechanisms, whether it’s instantly turning on the radio or tv upon waking or arriving home, eating that sweet or salty snack when feeling down, nervous or scared, drinking, doing drugs, or even reading spiritual book after spiritual book.
What is your own crutch? What is it you’re avoiding? Instead of reaching for it, try to take a moment to tune in to see what’s there. It’s ok to depend on your crutch as long as you’re aware you’re doing so. And as with all these practices, it’s not easy so remember to stay compassionate with yourself. Freedom from fear is right around the corner. As one teacher I studied with, Hala Khouri, has said, “On the other side of your fear is everything you could ever want.” Let that be your motivation. xo
